


Clarity in Stages

by muffinsome



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-20
Updated: 2014-10-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 20:38:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2481626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muffinsome/pseuds/muffinsome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just something that happens and it doesn't have to mean anything. That is until Ohno brings "next time" into the equation, and Nino has to start thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Clarity in Stages

The first time, Ohno just rolls over right after and begins snoring instantly. Nino doesn't know how long he just lies there, staring at the ceiling as the rest of the room spins around him. In the morning, Ohno leaves early, and Nino offers no more than a grunt as the first rays of sunshine come in to mock him through the curtains.

They don’t talk about it.

And then it happens again. And again.

Nino thinks maybe it was inevitable. They have had it coming for a long time. So maybe if they just get it out of their systems, then they’ll be able to go back to being able to drink without ending up having sex with each other. (Or to being able to drink without the badly veiled purpose of having sex together.)

“If I say something now, are you going to freak out?” Ohno asks after what may be their sixth time. Nino maybe thought he was already asleep, like he usually is by now.

He shrugs awkwardly. “I promise to wait until tomorrow to freak out if I have to,” he says. “That’s if I can remember at all.”

Ohno shifts next to him, throwing him a look over his shoulder. “You always remember,” he says, and Nino makes a small non-committal sound. 

“I think we should do it sober,” Ohno says. “Next time…”

“Don’t be stupid,” Nino cuts in, but Ohno looks unfazed.

“I’m just saying, if we’re going to keep doing it, then I don’t see the point of making up excuses when we both know it’s going to happen.”

Nino doesn't point out that perhaps they should stop instead. He’s tired and still mildly inebriated.

“Well, think about it,” Ohno says, then turns back to face the opposite wall.

Nino doesn't respond, just closes his eyes and waits for sleep to take over.

It doesn't happen again after that night.

~

Nothing changes exactly. They still stand just as close, joke around, and mock each other at every opportunity. They never talk about that night, though, or any of the previous ones. Ohno doesn't say anything. He can feel the implications of what he asked still heavy on his chest, and he knows Nino needs time. Time or an easy escape. Ohno is okay with providing either or both.

After two months, he tells himself that Nino has chosen to take the exit. 

It’s not giving up if there’s nothing to hold onto. He took a risk, and maybe there could have been something, but Ohno isn't the type to dwell on the past. Everything happens for a reason, isn't that what they say? Some things must end for others to live on. They’re Arashi. They’re friends. He hasn't lost Nino. Their friendship is what matters.

Then Nino corners him after a long day of recording.

“Come over to my place tonight,” he says.

Ohno considers him for a moment. Nino looks fierce, he thinks, no fake casualness, just nerves and sincerity. Ohno doesn't know if Nino has been thinking about it all this time and how long it has taken him to work up the courage before saying anything, but he trusts Nino’s sense of rationality enough to know that he wouldn't be making a move unless he was certain.

“Okay,” he replies.

~

“Can I kiss you?” Ohno asks, shoes still on and probably a little too soon. This is what he came here for, but…

“That’s not what I asked you here for,” Nino says, a step back, and Ohno has to reconsider everything.

“Oh. What then?” 

Nino looks uncomfortable, his moves unnaturally rigid as he gestures for Ohno to come in. “We need to talk.”

Ohno nods, taking his shoes off and following Nino to the living room. Nino’s apartment looks pristine clean, he notices. Did Nino prepare for this? Or did he run out of games to play?

“Leader, what…” Nino starts when Ohno joins him on the couch. “What the hell are we doing? What is this?”

Ohno shrugs awkwardly. He kind of regrets sitting down. Are they having that conversation now? Are they ready to have that conversation?

Nino sighs, then speaks again. “When it first happened, I thought, or well I tried not to think about it too much really because we were both drunk. It just happened. But then it kept happening and I thought maybe it was just inevitable because we've always been so comfortable around each other and it’s convenient, isn't it? But it didn't mean anything, didn't have to mean anything because it was just something that was happening and there was no talking about it or thinking about it in between.” 

He pauses then, his faces contorting in a strange grimace of uneasiness and confusion. 

“And then you had to bring up things like “next time” and ask me to think about it, and fuck leader now it’s all I can think about,” he lets out of a shaky breath.

“I thought about it before.”

“What?”

“I thought about it,” Ohno repeats. “In between and even before. I've always been thinking about it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Nino asks.

“It means I love you,” Ohno says honestly. “And I’m tired of getting drunk just so I can touch you. I don’t want to be convenient. I want to be with you.”

There’s a pause. Brief but heavy.

“You’re freaking out.”

“Yes! Of course I’m freaking out,” Nino cries out. “What the hell. Why didn't you say so earlier? Why didn't you say anything?”

“Because I knew you’d freak out,” Ohno replies simply.

“So you thought getting me drunk and sleeping with me would be a better way to go?”

Ohno’s expression darkens considerably. “It’s not like that.”

“Fuck I know. I’m…” Nino trails off. His voice sounds thick and Ohno can see the unspoken words shining in his eyes. But Nino doesn't say he’s sorry.

“It just happened,” Ohno says. “That first time, I was drunk and it just happened, like you said. I didn't really think anything of it either. I could barely remember. But then it happened again and I thought… I want you. And I think you want me too.”

Nino shakes his head. “It’s not that simple. You say you…”

“I love you,” Ohno nods.

Nino gets up from the couch. He looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Ohno doesn't say anything anymore, just gives Nino some time to process it all.

“Ohno-kun,” he says finally, sitting back next to Ohno and putting his hand on Ohno’s thigh. When he squeezes, Ohno knows what to expect, but it doesn't make the rejection any easier. “Oh-chan, I _love_ you. But I can’t. I’m not…”

Ohno hears the words loud and clear even though Nino doesn't actually say them. I’m not in love with you.

~

It takes some getting used to. What used to be a possibility in Ohno’s mind suddenly isn't anymore, and Ohno isn't quite sure what to do with the thoughts associated. Put them aside, discard them? Or is it okay to keep them in a special corner of his mind? Like a memory. Like that time he used to be in love.

Except the feelings haven’t changed, and that’s the part that takes some getting used to.

Nino is visibly trying not to act weird, but the effort feels heavy. It makes everything just a little more awkward. Just a little more painful.

Ohno doesn't mention it because it’s not Nino’s fault. Feelings are what they are and sometimes they changed but they can’t be forced. He can’t force Nino to return his feelings, just like he can’t force himself to stop loving Nino. It is what it is.

It just takes some getting used to.

~

“Is everything okay?” Jun asks. First to notice and first to be concerned. 

Ohno smiles a grimace and nods. 

When asked the same question, Nino does a marginally better job at looking okay, but Ohno knows better, and so does Jun, though neither chooses to point it out.

~

When Nino shows up on his doorstep, drunk again, Ohno almost asks him to leave. He knows where this is going, and he’s not sure he wants to go back. He’s been moving forward, moving on. Getting used to it. But then Nino starts talking and Ohno reconsiders. Again.

“I-I've been thinking,” Nino says, words stretched and slurred. “And what if my thoughts are clearer when I drink? What if this is what’s real?” He says, tensed little fingers clutching his own chest.

“I need a drink,” Ohno says. 

He goes to the kitchen, Nino stumbling behind, close, then closer as Ohno leans into the fridge to grab a beer. One. For himself.

“Ohno-kun,” Nino says, his hand on Ohno’s shoulder, too warm and too familiar.

“I need to catch up,” Ohno says, pushing the fridge door close firmly.

Nino sits beside him on the couch, a safe distance away this time. He seems confused, Ohno notes. Ohno’s a little confused to, so he leans back and takes a drink. Next to him, Nino shifts uncomfortably. He opens his mouth, closes it. Then when he opens it again, “Let me catch up,” Ohno says, and Nino closes his mouth and nods.

Time ticks by. Ohno gets up to get a second beer, bringing a third along.

“This is a bad idea, isn't it?” Nino says, voice soft and vulnerable. Strangely sober. “It was a stupid idea.”

Ohno looks at him, and Nino folds his hands into his lap. 

“I thought if I could just make it happen again, one more time, maybe I’d understand it.”

Ohno turns the thought over in his head, then nods. It makes sense, he decides. So he puts his beer down on the coffee table and moves closer to Nino. When he leans in for a kiss, however, Nino tenses up and puts a hand up on his chest, holding Ohno back.

“No,” Nino shakes his head. “It really was a stupid idea.”

He’s sobering up and Ohno can see the panic settling in. So he hands over his third beer.

~

The next day before dance rehearsal, Ohno lines up a few chairs and lies down for a nap. His head is pounding, but he feels just slightly better knowing that Nino looks downright nauseous right now.

“Here,” Sho says, and Ohno cracks an eye open to see a bottle of water. “You look like you need it.”

Ohno doesn't dispute that. Instead, he grunts his gratitude and watches as Sho walks over to Nino with another bottle of kindness.

The door of the studio open, and Aiba comes bouncing in. “Hey, how about drinks tonight?” he asks.

Out of the corner of his eye, Ohno sees Nino pull the brim of his cap down over his eyes.

“No more,” he mutters, or at least something that sounds suspiciously like it.

~

“I’m sober,” is the first thing Nino blurts out when Ohno opens the door.

Ohno looks at him. Nino looks like a mess, a wide-eyed sleep-deprived high-on-caffeine mess. But he does look sober.

“Come in,” Ohno says, stepping back to let Nino in.

Nino gives a little nod, maybe grateful, probably relieved. He takes off his shoes and politely arranges them in the genkan. When he stands up again, he doesn't quite meet Ohno’s eyes, tugging unsurely at the sleeves of his hoodie instead.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks after a moment, voice small.

Ohno’s heart clenches, but he doesn't respond, doesn't say anything until Nino finally looks up.

Nino’s embarrassed. Maybe a little scared.

“I was wrong. I just didn't know how to admit it to myself,” he says.

Ohno nods. That’s a tough one to admit for Nino. So he reaches for Nino wrists and pulls him inside, away from the genkan and into his living room. 

“Ohno-kun,” Nino starts, but Ohno interrupts.

“Nino,” he says. He doesn't want to make things hard. He likes things easy. Uncomplicated. Just the way they were always meant to be between them. He likes Nino, and if Nino likes him… “I haven’t changed my mind. Have you?”

Nino nods, then smiles a little.

Ohno presses his lips together tightly, but soon feels every single muscle of his face pulling into a large smile. He steps closer, and so does Nino. When he reaches to touch Nino’s face, a faint flush spreads under his fingers and across Nino’s cheeks, but Nino’s eyes are clear as they meet his and he doesn't back down.

“Do you want to try it sober?”


End file.
